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Why your heart is dark

“The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out.” Jeremiah 17:9-10. What a deep and profound truth. This old bible verse deserves to be put into modern world context the ExperienceZone way. 

Life, love and light

Read this universal anaphora as follows: Life is granted to you. You’re born to spend some decades on this planet in your body. To reach what? The light. It stands for your aims in life, mission and ultimately fulfillment. Everlasting happiness or even enlightenment if you will and/or aspire. Being alive is a rather neutral state though. Moving from one state to another, i.e. numb existence to vibrant satisfaction requires energy. As you probably learned in school, it requires effort to transform a substance from one state of aggregation into another (e.g. heat changes H2O from ice to water to steam). Same applies to your states of mind. The form of energy required here is called… you guess it… love.

Love vs. knowledge

Love is the reason we’re born. Your father and mother expressed love in your physical production process. So, essentially love is our natural energetic state. It emerges from our gut as a raw emotion and communicates through our heart in form of various feelings. However, society, church, culture, media and school (or whoever else you want to blame) made us focus on thinking. Consequently, we mutate into heady people throughout life – especially in the “developed world”. This is dangerous, since thinking bears an illusionary certainty that we can explain the universe. In fact, we weren’t, aren’t and won’t ever be able to. The world around us is far too complex to grasp for the human brain, which is powerful yet limited in its capabilities.

The heart reaches further and deeper though (mind its electric field spans almost 5 meters). Its capacities are much larger and its intelligence goes far beyond the one of the brain. It’s fair to state “where the brain ends, the heart just gets started”. Hence I invite you to realign to your energetic roots as a human and claim your birthright of a primarily heart-driven being. Yet be aware that the journey to your heart bears risks. It’s a dark and sometimes dirty one. Introspection can be painful but is valuable and even necessary to come into terms with your past and thus yourself (since you’re a physical manifestation of your experiences). Also, if you decide love to be your driver rather than logos, you’ll step into uncharted territory. Love bears uncertainty but makes you tap deep into your earthly existence. Logos comes with the illusion of predictability plus only scratches the surface of inside experiences. I plea for love, but recommend you to get your heart in shape.

How to strengthen your heart

Your heart is your most important organ – physically, energetically and spiritually. Hence you want to treat it well. Here’s how:

  1. Embrace the concept of oscillation: Zigging and zagging. Our world moves in rhythms. Day and night. Warm and cold. Ebb and flow. We’re part of this earthly theater and thus tied to circadian cycles. Same applies to your heart. It requires regular challenges, such as endurance sports but likes to rest as well. So you want to find a sport, which makes fun and your heart to beat in a healthy range per minute but immediately afterwards dedicate some time to rest.
  2. Come into terms with yourself: Your body stores all experiences energetically. Everything, which happened in your life and you gave meaning to, is captured on a subtle level. Your heart continuously deals with these imprints. Especially whilst you’re sleeping. Dreaming is nothing else than your subconscious processing your past. Your heart plays a key role, as feelings cause the most prevalent and deepest memories. Therefore you want to engage in heart-intelligence exercises plus try supporting techniques, such as prayer, meditation, contemplation, visualization and affirmation to equip your heart for its night-shifts.
  3. Fall in love unconditionally: Love is the most powerful force in the universe. It shines through your heart as the most powerful tool. Love can make you fly high and fall deep. Both are equally important stages of the emotional roller-coaster ride. Consequently, you need to appreciate both without judging them. Many people want the highs without the lows. But you’ll never be able to appreciate the peaks if you haven’t been through the valleys before. Recognize and accept all feelings resulting from the uncontrollable adventure called love.

Outsides attract, insides connect

Why do people find each other? And why do they break up? Apparently there’re internal and external factors driving those decisions. Let’s dive into it the ExperienceZone way.

How we make choices

There’re subtle differences between buying a soft drink and falling in love. However, both are decisions – taken rationally or emotionally. Engaging in human relationships, no matter if it’s a friend or partner, is a highly complex process, which happens subconscious to a large extent. Therefore we want to wrap our minds around it to demystify its rationale and understand ourselves better.

Let me pose a truism here: The more complex a decision, the more likely we take it emotionally. This makes sense as our brain is only able to manage a limited amount of parameters. Of course, we can use frameworks to support decision processes logically. Yet rating potential lovers on a one-to-ten scale and making a choice based on who scored highest, bottom line doesn’t only sound utterly unromantic but also bears the illusion of behavioral predictions. In fact, we’re really bad in forecasting the future when it comes to romances. So let’s drop this thought and put our heart in the driver seat.

It seems like we need to trust our intuition and feelings here, which is totally reasonable given that love as an emotion is the strongest force in the universe and emerges from our gut. Up it moves into our heart and creates derived feelings, such as attraction, compassion and joy. Hence the cheesy advice to listen to our heart rings true.

Why outsides open doors

Vision is our dominant sense. Of course, there’s differences between us. Some are prone to listen, others like to touch, smell or taste things. Yet, most of us are primarily visual beings and our brain thinks in pictures. Memories are stored in mental images and visualization is a powerful tool, which often trumps affirmations (repeating positive beliefs). Observing animals when they’re pea-cocking to make up or fighting to show off proves evidence that dresses and alpha-behavior attracts females – if authentic and backed up properly.

In fact, the beauty and fashion industry play on these evolutionary facts and equip us with the latest make-up and hair trends as well as haute couture to impress our social network – in particular prospective partners. We all want to be acknowledged, recognized and appreciated as to who we are or at least what we represent to the outside world. Attractive appearance creates that first impression in split seconds. That’s the reason why you actually cannot overdress as it impacts not only your perceived status by others but also your self-confidence. “There’s no second chance for a first impression”. This especially applies to dates and includes your overall appearance – from facial expressions, body languages to clothes.

Beware that there’s other unconscious non-visual drivers of appeal, which includes the tone of your voice and your smell though. But let’s go down these rabbit holes in another blog post…

Why insides make you stay

Congrats: You met each other and informally agreed to dive into an adventure called love. This might last for some time – hopefully a lifetime. The quality and length of a relationship depend on many factors. Primary on internal ones. Outside attraction is the door opener. Commonalities and differences propel you into a virtual or vicious circle. The entire joint roller-coaster experience is a function of your similarities, willingness to compromise and emotional stability.

Similarities set the foundation. It determines whether you saw the seed of love on fertile or dead ground. Whereby you and your partner don’t need to be clones of each other, who don’t need to speak at all but communicate telepathically, have the same world views and values as well as engage in exactly the same hobbies. But: You need to have some things in common: Those, which are important to both of you. Healthy differences in fact can complement and thus enrich your lives.

This builds the bridge to the second ingredient: Willingness to compromise. Oh dear, one of my weak-spots in previous relationships. “I don’t like your personality, attitude or habits.” How superficial. Anyway, good judgement comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgement. Now I know that willingness to compromise is key to a happy life in general and hope you do too.

Last but by no means least is emotional stability. You cannot love someone without fearing to lose her. Love and fear are two expressions on the same emotional scale and alternate depending on your mood and… …stability. Stability comes from knowing yourself and your  mission and aims in life. The more confident you’re, the calmer you behave when the stuff hits the fan. And it will in every relationship…

How to build fulfilling relationships

There’s no one-size-fits-all recipe for a love-pill, which leads to everlasting attraction, a continuous stream of romantic moments and progressive mutual growth. However, there’re some dos and don’ts:

  1. Find a good match: Our modern “developed” world creates the illusion of perfection. You’ve to look like a model, be successful like a superstar and live a happy life until everyone commits suicide upon your death since there’s no reason for them to live on without you. Drop the idea of perfection. Seek for a good match, not the perfect one. Someone who’s flawed but complements you. Otherwise you’ll die alone.
  2. Learn to compromise: This is a skill, not a talent. Latter are overrated anyway. Nurture beats nature always. Genes make up only a quarter of most attributes in life. No excuses. Discipline yourself rather than your partner. But: Define some must-haves. Find someone who embodies them. Then learn to deal with her imperfections exposing along the way.
  3. Learn and grow together: In a relationship, switch into a beginner mindset. Discover the individuality of your partner with curiosity and appreciate it for what is: A mirror to your self and chance to learn from each other. Instead of judging, you want to seek for growth opportunities. Everyone has something to teach you. Just open your eyes, ears and soul.

Why do opposites attract?

We all know this phrase. We found it to be true in various situations. Seems like this truism serves us as a proxy for many phenomenons. I recently discovered that it particulary applies between partners. Hence, let’s uncover it the ExperienceZone way.

Everything in the universe is based on polarities

Day and night. Light and shadow. Heat and cold. All apperances are just expressions on different scales. Circadian rythms, brightness and temperature. One extreme cannot exist without the other. In fact, they seem to dance with another. Even more: One needs the other. Mind magnetismus. Likes reject and opposites attract.

Human relationships are energetic

Similar to magnetism, relationships are based on an exchange of energy as well. Latter is just on a another level, yet follows the same principle. Pushing and pulling forces. We call them male and female energy. Male energy is expressive, analytical and sequentially goal-oriented. Female energy is receptive, emotional and concurrently fulfillment-seeking.

Neutrality makes relationships fail

If one partner has an surplus in male energy and the other one a excess in female energy, their forces create tension. Tension leads to attraction between two human beings – physically, emotionally and spiritually. Everyone embodies both forms of energy. Traditionally, men are heavy in male energy and women have more female energy. However, in the late sixties, men cultivated their female energy and wore colorful clothes and long hair. In the course of emancipation, women increasingly focused on their career. This lead to an equalization of energies within individuals and therewith in relationships. The results are a lack of tension and thus attractiveness between partners. Divorces, single towns and low birth rates in the developed counties.

What can you do?

We all want to be appreciated. Actually being loved. Genetically, there’re two different keys to the kingdom depending on your gender.

If you’re a man, you usually want to cultivate your male energy. Why the heck are you on this planet? Define your mission. Then derive aims in life for each area. Afterwards pursue them as the top priority. If you’re or go into a relationship, you need to love your partner with all you got. Express your male energy physically instead of trying to understand her analytically. Yet always show integrity to your goals and your unbreakable will to be free. This is the strongest attractor for your wife.

In case you’re a woman, you are invited to cultivate your female energy. Live and breathe love. Be there for your partner. Also, follow your dreams yet accept your receptive side. Test his integrity continuously as a vibrant relationship fills your heart. Show your emotions and allow your man to let his feelings out. This behavior draws him to you.

Polar energies are gender independent. Even same-sex relationships require one to be active analytical and the other one to be passive emotional. Don’t force yourself into an energetic pattern you’re not feeling comfortable with. Rather accept that you might have found a wrong match, but realize that polarities always offer challenges and thus opportunities for growth for both sides. On a sidenote: We’re covering the necessary foundational energetic differences here. Of course, you need to have similarities with your partner to sustain a long term relationship.

Who’s more important: Your family or friends?

A crucial question. You might scream: “Of course my family!” Maybe morally the most appropriate answer. Yet I recently read a study, which shows a different picture: Relationships to friends are for certain people more important than those to family members. Why’s that? Let’s dive into this one and extract implications for you in an ExperienceZone manner.

The rise of friendships

In the last decades, our world got more complex and seems to be spinning faster. Reason being technical and social developments. Whilst we worship individualism, we depreciate human relationships. This can lead to social isolation and depression. Former I felt in my early twenties, when I accomplished one personal goal after another yet disregarded my family & friends. Recognition led to reanimation of relationships, which fell asleep for some years.

Egocentricity often comes with efficiency. Four interesting phenomenons:

  1. Family members are perceived as necessary evil. “Ok, I’m tied to these guys since my parents made me and my siblings are of the same breed biologically. But that doesn’t mean that we need to spend time together. I don’t owe them anything. On top of that, familiar relationships don’t add value to my life per se.” Although I’m exaggerating, the traditional family model seems to be eroding in many parts of the world. The growing number of divorces, patchwork families and single households seem to be cause and result at the same time.
  2. Friendships satisfy the natural human need for social interactions. Like-minded people we know for many years or met along our life journeys are golden for goal-getters and ordinary opportunists alike. Women value their friends to have an open ear for emotional topics and men like to share hobbies with their buddies. Best case friends lift us up when we’re down, give us open and honest feedback as well as lend their clothes if we need a new dress though can’t afford to buy one.
  3. Communication channels depend on the geographical distance. When our friends live far away, we praise Skype and WhatsApp for engaging with them digitally. In case our friends live nearby, modern technology is perceived as a curse rather than the holy grail. Let’s meet face-to-face and talk things through!
  4. Soft-opposites attract. Similar to partners, we value friends with complementary personalities. Different world-views are being perceived as enriching. Yet if you’re a republican and I’m a democrat, chances are slim that we’ll go along for a long time.

Ergo, familiar relationships and friendships are different by nature

Let’s face it: Your family members cannot replace your friends and vice versa. Why should they? Instead of playing relationship quartet, leverage the upsides of both “institutions”:

  1. Appreciate the fact that you’ve a family. Be grateful towards your parents for producing you. Also, they’ve nurtured, raised and educated you. If you admit it or not: Your father and mother do have a huge stake in who you are today. Period.
  2. Select a few good friends. Those you can trust. People who inspire or even empower you. Folks who’ve skills you admire and who can teach you something. Soft-opposites if you want. Seek for a narrow and deep rather than broad and shallow circle of friends. Guilty a charged, I need to “clean” my 700+ facebook buddy list one day.
  3. Foster the relationships to family members and friends. Apply the trust formula. Use premium fertilizer as described in the countries social network, family and friends on ExperienceZone. Give first before you expect something in return. That’s what I call intelligent egoism.

Why are we happier in company than alone?

For many years I went through life with a helmet on my head, a shield in front of my chest, and a sword in my hand. Hell ya, I slayed a lot of dragons. Seen great places. Traveled almost the world. Been there done that. Being independent and successful is great. You don’t need to rely on anyone else. You accept full responsibility for yourself. You charge all failures and achievements on your own account. No one is holding you back…

Yet I experienced that we’re gregarious animals.

Ok, you might argue that we aren’t animals at all. Let’s not go down that road but agree that we’re not islands. Instead, we’re social beings. I learned it the hard way. After years of fighting outside dragons and inside demons, I recognized emptiness. Social isolation. Friends lived on their own lives. Got married. Children. It seems like nature designed us in a way that we generate happiness through social interactions. Prove can be found in the animal kingdom. Just go into a zoo and watch our closes relatives, apes, who’ve got a 98.5% genetic makeup match with human beings. These little guys engage in social interactions the whole day! They play games, they practice mutual physical hygiene, they sometimes fight, and have sex.

This world bears a gazillion of opportunities. Let’s take them together!

Learning and growing doesn’t only make more fun but is also more effective in a group. If you share experiences with others, you’ve something to talk about thereafter. It might sound corny, yet if you keep in mind that communication is the glue of relationships, you need to have subjects in store. Go into the park with your family, have a nice dinner with your partner, party with your friends, visit a playground with your children, and spend some quality time with your parents. Keep your solitude time to read, concentrate and design. Yet have regular touch points with the most important people in your social network every week.

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